"nighttimes the worst 
thats when all the memories twist and whirl and twirl and eat away your insides , when realisation that you cant be happy destroys your dreams , when your body breaks into a cold  sweat  , your body jerks and you whimper and yelp as you choke  tears out through airless gasps and your throat aches and crackles and you scratch at your wrist creating deep holes and dints , the previous breakdowns are still forever evident on your arms , legs , stomach and you couldnt even justify stopping now because youve come so far , as your scatching and digging or slicing so deep you feel  that beautiful release that cure to it all ,the releif , but then the guilt sets in because you told them youd stop, you told them all you were recovering , and you genuinely tried but why would they beleive you if you said the voices , the memories ,the past came screaming around your head like a runaway train why would they , cause your crazy now , the doctors questioned it and the pyschologist confirmed  your mentally ill youre are unstable and you lie and connive , youre also selfish i can bet they told you that when you tried to die , when you got so unhappy you felt sick in the stomach that you couldnt open your eyes to face the day , that every little thing caused panic attacks and you couldnt leave your room because of the eyes that would look at you and the voices , they told you it wasnt safe, no not at all the real world was full of murderers and evil fucked up things but your cozy sanctary was safe and nobody questioned the marks on your arms ,the considerable weight that had simply disappeared from your body  . And know as you lay motionless tears welling , you think i cant tell them whats in my head im only an attention seeker , they dont care they dont love me im unloveable i must hold in  the feelings behind my baggy jumper and fake smile i must be good for them their happiness is all that matters because i am so worthless , so you hold it in youre strong but you break you fall apart in public you scream, you yell ,you cry and you bang your head on a wall , in the mall with all the murderers and evil  fucked up things , with the lights and the noise and the eyes staring at you , you lay on the floor and shake you cry and everyone stares at you , this is who youve become , you go to the hospital now the mall breakdown made them force it , you shake in their beds with tubes coming from everywhere and machines with lights and food you dont want to eat , its scary and you want to runaway , your family and a few friends visit with flowers and giant balloons its nice untill they leave and its dark and your alone with the machines and the lights and the knowledge they are fattening you up , you just ate more calories in one meal then you usually do in one day , you cant purge , and you sure as hell cant exersize you want to die more now then ever before , you wish that before this moment you had of pushed the blade down harder, deeper so that you would of died before forced recovery had begun , because now theyre watching
and youre stuck now , gaining weight in a place you hate with big white walls and machines and bright lights but theres a sense of releif , of happiness somewhere inside , your family and friends seem thrilled in your progress , they are proud . you make friends now in recovery and you feel a sense of safety in knowing that maybe you will live to see your children and your wedding day that you can finish highschool at your formal instead of the mourge , but deep down the voices call you , tell you its a fantasy , that the life youre dreaming of and have been deprived of isnt real , you have to think now , you have the ultimate controll  , take  one step forward or take ten back ? you have the deciding vote of your own fate, destiny , the cold comfort of knowing this descision will be your life , its make or break , you deserve to be happy. and healthy youre beautiful and smart and your so loved by your family, they want to help you , they want to be there every step of the way to hold your hand and guide you . Now with a smile on your face you have to try and recover for yourself because you deserve the best , you decide life , life is worth living , healthy , happy , loving . "